Let Me Love You
by Roxie Zephyr Jocelyn
Summary: Pairing: Shinichi x Ran. The Black Organization has been overthrown. But, at what cost? Ran contemplates how everyone has been affected, how much everyone had given, especially him, the young man who owned her heart...


A/N: This is a short fic set at the end of a long and arduous road in the aftermath of their triumph over the Black Organisation. But, at what cost? Ran realizes that sometimes it is the strongest, who are the weakest as she sits by an unconscious Shinichi's bedside contemplating the young man she had known and loved all her life, her thoughts also turning to the people closest to her. As usual, the fascinating characters of Detective Conan do not belong to me but to their esteemed creator. ENJOY!

Info:

hakase - the Japanese title for 'doctor'

Kudo Shinichi - Jimmy Kudo

Mouri Ran - Rachel Moore

Hattori Heiji - Harley Hartwell

Kaitou KID - Phantom Thief KID

Shiho Miyano/Haibara Ai - Sherry/Anita Hailey

Mouri Kogoro - Richard Moore

Kisaki Eri - Eva Kadan

Let Me Love You

She knew.

Two simple words, clear and concise. So simple yet holding so much. The words, so innocent, could be a young man's downfall, bringing his entire world crashing down around his ears. Two words, so short, could have such long-term damages, the most of which would be dealt in emotional spikes that could shatter two very desperate hearts. Two words, so easy to roll of the tongue, yet so hard to hear for it implicated him as a failure in protecting the one he loved, a failure in keeping a secret that could destroy her, a secret that could destroy him. How he would've freaked, his composure and poise lost amidst hysterics that only Ran could reduce him to, terrified that she would take from him the one thing that he treasured above even his own life. He was a courageous young man, perhaps a little reckless, always willing to take a gamble in proving something he believed in. But, in the face of her rejection, her hate, he would be reduced to nothing, devastation his only companion. He was in a situation where he was at his most vulnerable, a crossroad of his life where he would gain everything he had hoped so long to grasp or lose what little he had as well as himself to grief and despair.

Yet, Kudo Shinichi was oblivious to all this, to the intensely important turn his life had taken. In Ran's opinion, he had always been a little dense when it came to matters of the heart, despite his intellect and sharp intuition, but she supposed that she would spare him just this once. Almost unconsciously, her hand gently brushed away a stray lock of jet-black hair that curled innocently over his closed eyes. Her whispering fingers danced over well-sculpted handsome features but hesitated when they came into contact with cold plastic. His entire being was limp, lifeless, betrayed only by his short misting breaths in the oxygen mask, the crimson precious life liquid that stained his bandages, painting his fatally fresh wounds sinfully red, as scarlet as the line on the heart monitor that jumped with every weak heartbeat. As her hesitantly light touch brushed over his injuries, Ran realized that she had never hated the colour red as much as she did now. She would spare Shinichi the teasing, spare him the emotional speech and spare him the guilt trip because all she wanted to do now was gaze into his sapphire blue eyes. All she wanted him to do was wake up.

Her knees buckled as she collapsed into the hard chair by his bedside, her entire frame crumpling into herself. It had happened so suddenly that even now, her mind was in a whirl trying to wrap around just how swiftly her life had taken such a deadly turn. Only two hours earlier, her life had been normal. She had never been fully contented with life but she had never been entirely complaining about it either. Now, she just wished that she could turn back time, back when this nightmare had never occurred. To be fair, it wasn't just her life that had been so shaken, brought to the brink of shattering. Right outside, on the other side of the flimsy door, Hattori Heiji and Touyama Kazuha were here, very anxious and extremely terrified, Heiji perhaps a little more so. Somewhere along the way, Ran realized, Heiji had come to regard Shinichi as the brother he never had, the partner with whom he could share secrets and boy talks. The Osakan detective saw his Tokyo rival as someone with whom he had formed a bond of brotherhood that went beyond even that of blood brothers. Just as she had been terrified for Shinichi, she had also been extremely alarmed at the emptiness in Heiji's eyes as he cradled Shinichi's broken body in his gentle arms, upon bringing him back. She had been on the brink of shattering. Heiji looked like he had already shattered.

Another participant in the horrific events, just as devastated as Heiji, was Kuroba Kaito whom Ran had come to learn was Kaitou KID. The young man could've been Shinichi's twin from the tips of his messy jet-black hair to his mischievous blue eyes. Yet, there were slight differences between them. Where Shinichi was all refined confidence, Kaito was rough cockiness. Where Shinichi was coolly elegant, Kaito was street-boy chic. Shinichi was composed and poised, bordering on arrogance, his calculated precision and sharp intellect amazing when he wanted it to be or intimidating when he wanted to be. Kaito was equally precise but his love of the spotlight and his natural flair for performance and style hid his more calculating nature behind an air of constant fun and amusement. However, both boys were courageous, inspiring, astounding, extremely intelligent and interesting, and had the tendency to take on upon their shoulders more than they could handle. And, both were reckless with their lives, willing to take a gamble if they brokenness could spare their loved ones from being broken. But, both didn't realize that they could not break without bringing everyone down with them. Hence Kaito's determination to stay on his feet in the cold corridor even though he should've been resting in the ward next door. And, hence his obliviousness to Aoko's anxiety which was torn and stretched thinly between the young man she had come to admire lying at death's door and the young man who she had come to love, who had nearly died thinking that she would hate him for the secret he withheld from her. Kaito's full attentions however, were directed towards the detective whom he had been forced to work closely with and whom he had come to love just as dearly over the time they spent together. The light in his eyes had dimmed, snuffed out but his spark had not been truly plunged into darkness, and would not be as long as a flicker of hope remained.

Just as hopeful but a little more realistic than his rival, contributing to his dejected aura, was Hakuba Saguru, the young detective from England. Ran was not very close to the distant and refined young man, who regarded her with gentlemanly grace. But, even his usual emotionless mask had splintered, and from the beyond the shards, a scared young man, fearful of the uncertain future peeked through. His calm strength had vanished leaving in its place a teenager who looked lost amidst destruction that would bring even the most hardened adults to their knees. Somewhere along the way, he had dropped his rivalry with Shinichi and both detectives, who were the calmer and more mature pair of their odd quartet, had bonded in quiet conversations as their two more lively companions challenged each other senseless dares. They were the calm foundation to Kaito's and Heiji's slightly crazy partnership. To see the confident, strong, self-assured young man reduced to a pained teenager whose innocence had been viciously preyed upon and destroyed by the vultures of crime, a sadness rose within Ran. But, Hakuba had Akako to support him and for that Ran was glad. Even now, the young woman was a silent supporting presence, her own anxiety and anguish hidden behind a wall of refined calm. Ran could see the turmoil in her eyes but she had managed to muster the courage to be the pillar of strength that Hakuba needed. Her own close friendship with Kaito and Aoko was a great help to them now, her support embracing them. How Ran admired that strength. And, how she was shamed by it.

Hakuba had Akako. But, who did Shinichi have?

And, that was her greatest regret, her greatest self-reproach that bordered on self-hatred. Like Hakuba, Shinichi had never displayed vulnerability. His ability to remain calm and cool, composed and strong even when everyone around him was on the verge of breaking down into hysterical panic had blinded them all to who he really was – an 18-year-old teenager who had barely blossomed into adulthood. Ran, who was of the same age as him, had been so protected by her parents, by every single one of the same adults who had completely left Shinichi to fend for himself. It chilled Ran to the core when the realization dawned on her. He had been fighting to bring down perhaps the largest and most far reaching criminal organizations. Alone. Even as she had been moping over his disappearance, whining about his apparent selfishness in leaving her hanging on to nothing but empty promises, he had been out there, risking his life to end a case that he had unwittingly stumbled upon, risking his life to protect her. Even as she had been complaining about his absence, he had been there all along, as Conan, helping her and supporting her in anyway he could. He had smiled and comforted her even as he had hidden his pain behind the flimsy mask of a pair of spectacles. His own anguish, his own desperation, she had never seen any sign of it in him. She had only seen his smiles she had only seen the calm front he put on in his determination to keep her from harm, to save her from everything, including himself. As Conan, he had given her hope whenever she stumbled in darkness. He had embraced her, his pretense of childish innocence lighting up her life and staving the shadows of the cruel world at bay. He had done everything he could for her. And, what had she done? Nothing. She had been there as he suffered, crying her own pain to him, hoping to draw him back with her tears. She had caused him nothing but the deepest hurt in her incessant whining and complaining, her insecurity that he always treated her as nothing beside his cases. Her thoughts turning back to various phone calls, she could now remembered at those times when he had come to her, in his guise as a child, to comfort her and dry her tears, soothe her pain and be her pillar of strength. She could now remember how his voice had always trembled in those dark moments when he tried to comfort her, his own emotions in turmoil. She could now remember how his eyes would darken with a depth of self-loathing every time he watched her cry over his disappearance. She could remember how his heart would die, beating a slow painful rhythm, when he told her to give up on Shinichi. He had given her everything. He had given her his all. And, all that time, he had feared that it would not be enough. Hot tears rolled down her cheeks. She had complained that he made her feel like nothing. But hadn't she done the same? Hadn't she made him feel that even if he gave her is all that he would still not be worthy enough for her?

Ran squeezed his hand lightly. When she had first learnt that Agasa-hakase knew about Shinichi, she had hated him, hated the fact that Shinichi trusted him enough to tell him he darkest secret when he had kept her in the dark. In another momentary lapse in her security, she had wondered if Shinichi thought Agasa-hakase to be more reliable than her. But, now she knew. Shinichi had done it to keep her safe. And, she was intensely relieved that if he hadn't been able to come to her than he had at least some sort of support in bearing his awful burden. Agase-hakase had always seen Shinichi as his son. He had been the young man's guardian ever since his own parents skipped out of his life. He was probably the only constant adult presence that Shinichi had had in his life, the only one who saw beyond the mask of the confident and self-assured detective to the young man who had been forsaken to fend for himself at such a young age, who had lost the innocence of believing in unconditional love and support. He had seen the young boy who was forced to grow up way too quickly because of his parents' absence. He had seen beyond that forced independence to the boy who so much wanted to depend on somebody for complete support, even if it was only during a moment of weakness. Agasa-hakase had been the only one to shelter Shinichi even as Shinichi was the fountain of strength to everyone else. He had been there for Shinichi every step of the way, been there to soothe the boy when his burden of secrets became too much, his house a familiar sanctuary in which the worn detective could rest and restore the strength he needed, and even now, Ran could feel his presence in this very room that Shinichi lay unconscious. He was not here in the physical sense but Ran could feel his anxiety and desperation, concern and worry over the young man he had come to love as his son.

As to why Agasa-hakase was missing, the kindly doctor was at his own home having to care for another special young woman, the same young woman who had created the poison that had turned Shinichi's, and consequently Ran's, life upside down. Shiho Miyano, the one who had run from the Black Organization was another person to whom Ran was not particularly close to but whom she admired nevertheless. It was simply amazing how silently strong she could be when she was suffering just as much as Shinichi from the effects of the poison. Ran had been extremely apprehensive of her at first, her own identity as a former of the Black Organization spelling trouble with a capital 'T' and her own special bond with Shinichi over their shared misfortune. Ran had, at first, been secretly boiling in fury at the woman, the one who had pulled Shinichi into a situation that caused such a wedge in their relationship and she had secretly loathed how that same situation had brought them together to form a bond that she could never duplicate with Shinichi. But now, Ran was only grateful, grateful that even as she could've left and abandoned Shinichi to his fate, she had instead stayed to suffer along with the detective, choosing to set her wrongs right. Ran would never truly forgive her but over time she knew that she and Shiho could become close friends. After all, Shiho had supported Shinichi when he needed it, instead of turning tail and running, leaving Shinichi to his own devices. Just as she had inadvertently snatched Shinichi from Ran, she had also given him back to her. Seeing how familiarly the two treated each other, Ran had no doubts that it was Shiho's cynical strength that had supported Shinichi just as Shinichi's own hopeful nature had supported her. In her own need for Shinichi, Shiho had given Shinichi an anchor to be the confident young man he was before everything went down the drain. She had made sure that Shinichi never lost himself in his own battle, in his own escaping and hiding. Even though she was the creator of the poison, how could Ran blame her for anything that had happened? How could she blame the very young woman who had kept Shinichi from losing himself, for the pain that Ran felt because of his apparent absence?

How could she have blamed Shinichi for her pain?

But, Ran knew. It was so easy to blame someone who wasn't there, someone who couldn't defend himself. Ran had fallen into the same trap just as her parents had. Mouri Kogoro and Kisaki Eri might not see eye-to-eye on many things but the one thing they did agree upon was that Kudo Shinichi was not good enough for their daughter. It was expected from Kogoro. After all, Ran was his only daughter and he was so proud of her. In his mind, no man would ever be enough for his daughter. Not that it stopped him from worrying. Despite his gruff manner and his rough, sometimes bordering on violent treatment of little Conan, he did genuinely care for his erstwhile charge. Somewhere along the way, Conan had wormed his way into his heart. Thinking of the young boy, living in his house, and seeing his shadowed features shimmering in front of Shinichi Kudo, worn down by the world's troubles and his own burdens, Kogoro felt a sudden surge of protectiveness towards the young man. Sure, he did not agree to his daughter's relationship with him. That didn't mean that he held Shinichi in contempt. In fact, he felt somewhat guilty that he couldn't protect the boy. Looking at him, seeing his pale young features, so still, so innocent, it stung him that Shinichi was where he was because he was protecting them all. It made him think of Ran, of how he would've wanted someone to look out for her when he couldn't. And, he couldn't help the feeling of dark failure that welled up inside him.

And, there was Eri. Eri had at first thought that Shinichi was a fine young man, one whom she would be proud to call her son-in-law. Until he left her daughter. Kisaki had spent many sleepless nights on the phone, the device cradled gently in her hands even as she longed to cradle her daughter who was crying on the other end of the line. The Ran she remembered never cried. She was a strong girl, who faced life's problems with a smile and just do it attitude. Eri could not even see a hint of her strong daughter in the girl that cried to her late into the night, sobbing her heart out in desperation and anguish over a man who had abandoned her. Eri had been furious, so furious at the detective who had managed to reduce her daughter to a sobbing mess with merely a single phone call in a month. Just hearing his voice could send Ran into fits of intense joyful laughter or hysterical sobbing. Eri hated the young man who had so much power over her daughter, who had abused this power by leaving her and dangling her by the thread.

Yet, her passionate hate had come crashing down around her. Now, as she struggled to keep her tears from spilling over, taking comfort in her husband's arms, she could only remember the young boy who had been with Ran when the both of them came in covered in scrapes and tears. She could only remember the young boy who had broken his arm trying to get Ran's favourite hat from the tree that the wind had blown it into. And, she could reconcile that image with the same young man who now lay in the hospital bed, suffering alone to keep her daughter safe. It made her wonder: how could she ever have doubted the young man to the point of hatred? And, she realized. It was easy to blame someone who wasn't there to defend himself. She had hated herself for not protecting her daughter better, she had hated herself for forsaking her daughter because she had not the strength to deal with her marriage. She had hated that she herself had reduced Ran to an insecure young woman, who feared for her future because she had seen her own family break apart. She knew that Ran had been weakening since she left her but Eri simply couldn't take the thought that it was her who had planted such weakness in her daughter, such insecurity, when she was supposed to be Ran's ultimate protector. Instead, she blamed the missing detective. She saw in the detective a shadow of her own actions. He had abandoned her daughter. He had forsaken her. But, he had done it to protect her. What was Eri's excuse?

As Eri was forced to confront unwanted demons, her own set of devilish beasts plagued Ran in the ward. She had blamed him for so long, accusing him of his inattentiveness to her. She had added the burden of her accusations on to his thin shoulders, worn him down by his fear of her rejection. Instead of supporting him like a true lover would, she had pushed him deeper and deeper into his despair. How could she blame him for keeping secrets from her when she herself had discouraged him from confessing and confiding in her? Ran could see so clearly now, the very real risk of Shinichi simply fading before her eyes bringing a stark clarity that she only wished she had so many months ago. Ran could see now that even if Shinichi had not been keeping her in the dark to protect her, he would never have confided in her. Her abrasiveness had planted fear in his mind, his heart, that she would reject him if he had revealed everything to her. She had simply put up a wall to keep herself safe, not knowing that she was also shutting him out. She had caused him so much anguish, so much despair, so much turmoil in his decision of not confiding in her. She had taken a self-assured young man and turned him into a doubtful, insecure one. She had taken a confident young man, who was proud of his abilities, and turned him into one who thought himself unworthy to receive her love. Her pain had stemmed from Shinichi's apparent ability to lie to her, to keep such a huge secret from her, not trusting her with it. Yet, how could she blame him when it was her who had kept him out, her who had kept him from confiding in her. How could she blame him for not trusting her with his secret when she herself had not trusted in his love for her, in his faithfulness to her, in his loyalty, in his protection of her? And, it wasn't he who had betrayed her trust. It was she who had betrayed his.

In her own selfish need to keep herself safe, unwilling to take the risk of giving her heart to him, she had driven him away from her and cast a wedge between them. He had been willing to love her so fully that he had given his life, his heart away for her. Even now, he lay dying for her. But, she had not been willing to take the same risk. He had gambled everything he had for her. She had done nothing. She had done nothing but complained and whined. She had done nothing but take his devotion and his strength for her own. She had used him for comfort, used him as a scapegoat, used him as a shield. She had taken him for granted. They all had. And now, it was time to give something back.

Ran cradled his hand in hers, as she leaned over him, her forehead touching his. She was so close that she could see his blue eyes roving restlessly, the small wrinkles on the bridge of his nose between his eyes. He was still running, still hiding, still trying to escape from the demons that haunted him.

But now, he would not be doing it alone.

'It's time to rest, Shinichi,' whispered Ran, her fingers lovingly tracing the handsome features she watched time mold, 'You have done more than anyone has ever asked. You have saved us all. The Black Organisation is gone.' She gently kissed his forehead. 'I love you Shinichi. I'm safe because you protected me. I'm angry that you lied but you were there all along, as Conan. You never left me. For that I forgive you. I forgive you, Kudo Shinichi and I don't hate you. I would never be able to stop loving you. So, there's nothing to fear, nothing to hide from. It's time to stop running away.'

She gently kissed his closed eyelids.

'Wake up. Let me protect you.'

She gently kissed his nose, a teasing peck.

'Open your eyes. Let comfort you.'

She hesitated but soon her lips gently caressed his.

'Come home. Let me love you.'


End file.
